He Took Part Of My Heart

He took part of my heart....I want it back. It hurts so much. I can't stop crying. It has been 4 days and I still cry everyday. Not as much as I did the first day, but I still cry. I wish it wouldn't hurt so bad. I tried to break up with him the first time anyway, so you'd think this was what I wanted...well its not. I realized how much I truly liked him when we got back together. Then he had to go and break up with me. I'm still so lost. Mostly because when I saw him on Saturday, he acted like we didn't even break up. He put is arms around me, held my hand, and even kissed me, you'd think since we broke up he wouldn't do those kinds of things. I was so confused, yet happy at the same time. I really really like him. Then later that night he went to the singles ward activity....something he never does. And then at church on Sunday I sat by him in the combined meeting and he acted like I wasn't even there. Yeah I didn't contribute much either, but really. I sat next to him. The next move was up to him. I could have sat somewhere else and pretended like I didn't even see him. And tonight I went to FHE and he was there, also something he never does, and he was with another girl the whole time and towards the end I found out he came with a girl that I am acquaintances with and he knows that I don't like her and the way she treats people, plus she lied and her and him making out...or so he says..so why would he bring her to this? And in front of me. He barely said hi to me when he saw me, but I didn't say hi either, I was trying to hold back the tears. It was really hard. Once he passed they all came flooding out and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I just had to leave. I tried calling him tonight, which probably wasn't the best idea..but I did anyway. This is just way too hard for me and I don't know what to do.
Everyone says I will find someone else and that there are better guys out there, but right now, I don't want anyone else. I want him. I don't want to wait for some other guy to come around and love me the way I thought he did. Or more.
I'm not saying I want to marry this guy, but I really don't want it to be over just like that. We were such good friends, and its going to be super hard to get back to being really good friends. He's treating me the way he treated me when he was dating one of my best friends, and that is really hard. I don't feel like someone he knows. I feel like someone he use to know, that he doesn't care to know anymore. We had our fun and now its over. Well to me its not over. I don't want it to be over. I cant handle the way things are. :-( And I can't talk to anyone about it because they all give me the same bull crap that I don't want to hear. People think they are helping but really they aren't because I already know what they are saying and I understand it and agree with it, I just don't it to be a reality right now. I want him back. I want him to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. Even if he would just talk to me I might be ok. I want to hear his voice and laugh his lame jokes and stories that always get me.

DANCE!

So I sent in my application to be on the USA Staff! I am so excited and nervous at the sametime! I hope I make it! If they call me, I'll go in for auditions and then after that they decide who will be able to be part of their staff! USA in United Spirit Association, they do cheer, dance/drill, and colorgaurd camps all of the west coast during the summer! I am so excited! Wish me Luck!

The Boyfriend thing...

I like him SO SO SO SO SO much! We got back together after I thought we needed to start seeing other people...boy was I wrong. I tried hanging out with other guys, but they just aren't him. I went to his house last night and he said that he had been thinking about me alot this week. I was thinking he was going to say something like he really really liked me and was happy we were together..I should have picked up on the signs he was giving me the whole night..but I am a bit slow. Anyway he said that we should stop seeing each other... I didn't know what to do, so I just got up and headed for the door. I really didn't want to cry in front of him again and I was really confused. I really thought things were going great. He stopped me at the door and tried to explain himself. I braced myself for the worst...waiting to hear all the things I do wrong and why we shouldn't be together. Oddly I felt I got the total opposite. He stood there and said all these super sweet things about me and what he liked about me. And almost reasons why we should be together. The only negative thing I got out of it was that we are too different(which I disagree) and that there is something missing in our relationship...which I agree. I wanted to tell him all the things I like about him, but whenever I get the chance I don't know how to say it or I feel dumb telling him. I know I shouldn't but I really do.
I want to tell him that I love the way he holds me....hence the reason at the end of the night I never want to leave or want him to leave. He joked the other night that in order for him to leave he has to tell me he's leaving 45 minutes before he is actually going to leave because by then I will have to come to the fact that he really has to go. I could honestly hug him forever. I love the way he makes me laugh..all the time.. he makes me so happy. He can make me laugh at things that really aren't that funny, or aren't supposed to be funny, but I still laugh. I love that he is passionate about things and doesn't let other people's opinions change his mind. He is always talking about his camero and when we first started dating I didn't like it all that much, yeah it was nice, but I didn't think it was that nice. After learning about all the hard work and passion he's put into it, I can't help but think its one of the nicest cars I've ever seen and I miss riding in it. He teaches me things, whether he realizes it or not. Not like big life changing things, but little things that I wouldn't have noticed or caught on to. I think he is amazing at the guitar. I knew he played but I never knew how good he was. When he played 'Dust in the wind' by Kansas, I thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest and land on the floor in front of him...ok not really but it sounded good right....?? Point is he was really good and it was very impressive to me.
How do I tell him all of that? I want him to know, but when I get around him...I can't tell him my feelings for him. I'm not afraid of rejection any more because I obviously got that last night, but is it right to tell him now? Wouldn't that just add to the confusion? I don't know.
I really don't want to believe that things between us are over. Yeah we'll still be friends. but I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from sitting really close to him, laying my head on his shoulder or grabbing his hand. :-( I guess only time will tell
Hopefully this is not The End.

Confused Girl

So I had a boyfriend for about 2 weeks :-( I really like him alot and he likes me, but my dumb head keeps getting in the way and finding all the things wrong with us.

We have been friends for over a year a now. And in that time we have gone a few dates. I was really good friends with his best friend who is now married and had been wanting the two of us to get together for a very long time. In July this guy and I started watching movies together. I saw him once a week. We would go out and get smoothies talk for at least and hour then go back to his house and watch a movie. He kissed me for the first time about mid way through July and we have been 'dating' since. We only made it official the 2nd to last week of September.

He is such a good guy and we get along great. I can go w/out seeing him and be fine, and he is the same way. But for some reason when I am with other people I feel that I don't want to be in a relationship. It is all very new to me, being I have been single my whole life. I feel that when I am with other people they treat me different because I am in a relationship.( when I am w/ these said people, he is not with me). But when I am with him I only think about us and how much I enjoy being with him. At the end of the night, I don't want to leave him. It use to be really hard for me to leave, because I didn't want to. Now that we're together its easier, and maybe that's because I know it's coming and that I will see him again. I really do like him alot.

We broke up the other night, because of me. I was having the dumb doubts of how much I wanted to be with him. He wasn't and was trying to convince me otherwise. In the end I am confused as to what we are. I told him I still wanted to date him, just not exclusively. He didn't want that because he didn't want me to be kissing other guys. Which I can fully understand.

I have been thinking about it alot the past few days and I really want to be with him. I talked to my mom about it too. I really am very confused. I like this guy alot. but I still am not sure if I want to be tied down. Right now at this very minute I want to be with him and other guys aren't even crossing my mind.

And that's thing, if I'm with him I'm fine. And most the time when I'm not with him I'm ok. But there are those times when I just think no, we're better off not together, then I see him and I think, nope scratch that thought. I just want to be with him.

I can talk to him about anything. It's awesome. I don't think we have ever had an awkward moment....although he does say awkward alot. I love cuddling with him. It's probably my favorite thing to do. Just the way he holds me makes me feel so happy inside.

So here's the biggest problem I am having....I know I know...vain and very shallow. but this is also something he and I joke about.....but still it gets to me.----

I am around 5'6" and he is around 5'7"....that isn't a very big difference, sometimes I feel that I look him straight in the eye. I can only wear FLAT shoes around him. And I have some very cute heels that I don't feel comfortable wearing around him. Sad to say it sucks and I feel self conscious about it. Although I shouldn't because that is really dumb, but yet I do. -----

What do I do.....

Update!

So I decided maybe I should do an update....just for fun reasons. :-) I obviously ended up not going on that journey I was hoping to go on. lol. It just didn't work out and I didnt' make enough money to. :-( Currently, I am just going to school, working, dancing(yay) and having fun with friends. Tonight I am going Country dancing with my roomates and I am so excited. I live with 2 of the coolest girls I know. We have so much fun together. We have yet to have a fight of any kind and its very exciting that we get along so well! Life is great..although I do have my moments like any other girl. I tend to cry alot. haha yes I am a baby when it comes to that. Oh well. To each her own right. Well now I am just blabbing. Slightly out of boredom. :-)
So now I am going to go find money so that I actually can go dancing tonight. Maybe I will try this again another night.

THE END!